Inclination to hide
Spoiler - I am on Instagram now.
'Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide’ – D.W. Winnicott
In my recent investigations of the habits that screw me over, my tendency to hide is next in line.
By the grace of God (or whoever was listening), I managed to break through the initial wall of fear and procrastination. Albeit highly inconsistent, I have persevered with this writing project. This is due to my continuous exploration of new approaches. Some of these experiments have been behind the scenes, while others have been more public.
Though I call it “public”, it has been pretty private. I purposely kept my writing a secret to protect my creativity from my fear of judgment and the weight of perfectionism. My intention was to create solely for my own satisfaction. Free from concerns about what others might think.
Sharing my scribbles online provides a unique combination of privacy and openness. Allowing me to overcome my fears gradually and gently. While the people in my life are supportive, it is far easier for me to share my work with strangers. This gradual approach helped me build the courage to share my work, despite its flaws.
The next step is to move away from secrecy and get more eyes on my work. And just like that, my fear and tendency to hide returned to run the show.
The thought was to start sharing the process of this project on social media. I have been playing with this idea for a while. I got the new account and thought about why and how I wanted to do it, I made plans, but I never acted. My mind keeps coming up with reasons why I must wait. This is not a good time because I am studying right now, and I won’t be able to be consistent, or I don’t want to put my focus on social media when what I want to do is to write. Some of these arguments have value, but most of them are garbage.
The truth is that none of my interjections are about a social media platform. It’s about my habit of hiding. My fearful mind tries to convince me that hiding is safe. That it protects me from unpleasant feelings. But in reality, hiding hurts me because it stops me from doing what I want. It keeps me small and insecure. The irony is that by hiding from rejection, I reject myself.
Ultimately, sharing my work and what I enjoy, none of this has to be done perfectly. But it needs to be done. Because I want to, and I don’t want to live a life of regrets.
What I am trying to do here is to demonstrate the cunning nature of our fears as they attempt to stop us from pursuing our passions. Sure, I want to protect my creativity and not fall back into old traps, but when do the protecting stop and the hiding begin? Sometimes we need to take the plunge and dare.
When we want something that feels big, it is easy to settle by staying small and depriving ourselves. But breaking the cycle is the only way to change the story.